


it cant be wrong when it feels so right

by orphan_account



Category: Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Gen, diana gave me gay vibes from the start, diana walked so cole could run and that's on period, this whole thing is getting re-edited after it's all done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-01-27 05:42:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21387031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: the inner monologue of a questioning girl in the 1800sor: diana's gay crisis that i probably pulled out of thin air
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if the "lingo" seems off!! i was lazy and it showed just a teensy weensy tiny bit heh

Ruby Gillis was a dramatic little thing— she’s been that way ever from the very first time she had seen Gilbert Blythe. If you’d asked her it was love at first sight and Gilbert was just doing the gentlemanly thing to do and waiting until she turned 16 to court her— because, obviously, Gilbert Blythe was oh-so-perfect and he knew how to treat a lady.

If you’d asked Diana without Ruby around she would’ve laughed in your face and exposed Gilbert in an instant. They’d call him charming and perfect and a smooth talker, but perhaps that’s all she ever saw him as a smooth-talking boy who wasn’t even that smooth, to begin with. He bumps into walls after chatting up cute girls for heaven’s sake! Was she the only one seeing it?

She never understood that boyish charm that had Ruby saying yes to a marriage proposal that would never come. Diana never meant to be cruel but sometimes she just wished that Ruby could just see that he was never into her and that she pulled these silly stories out of her own head.

_ I felt his eyes on me today as I read aloud in class today! Oh, Di! How very intense it was, do you think he was imagining it as us as well? _

_ Gilbert laughed at my joke today during lunch and he was outside! I keep telling you that he listens out for me. _

_ He smiled at me as he walked into class today! Teeth and all and he has the most cutest dimples! _

_ Did you see the way he kept the door open for me? I wasn’t even that close to the door, I swear it’s love! _

_ Do you think he’ll start walking me home soon? He’s been lingering after class more often. _

_ He said he liked my dress— _

_ I saw him wink at me before— _

_ He— _

_ Gil— _

_ Diana! Are you listening? This is important, I think he’ll start courting me soon. Don’t you? _ Ruby would end every monologue with the question and it’d been going on for years. Diana sometimes wondered if Ruby noticed that she had been asking her the same question for so long now. Or maybe Ruby was pulling a quick one and all of this was a joke and she was waiting on Diana to snap.

But even after all these years of having to listen to her friend wax poetic over the mere table scraps (if you could even call it that) Gilbert threw her way— she always truthfully answered her question with such a firm, honest tone to her voice that she never quite understood why she couldn’t control. Not that she wanted to anyway.

“Gilbert Blythe would be a fool not to court you, he would be missing out on such a great girl.”

For some reason, Ruby was almost always a little stumped and flustered from the amount of intensity Diana’s voice always held when she said that. Diana never understood it because she was always an honest girl who told it how she saw it. 

(It vexed her mom most days that her daughter couldn’t keep her mind to herself, but what could she really do after the thousandth time?)

“Oh, Diana! Do you really think so?” Ruby would sigh out as she continued to swirl and twirl around and about Diana’s room, her pink dress and blonde locks floating around her small frame and sweeping across the room like silk. So soft and pretty.

The lighting from the sun would bathe the room in such a light that made Ruby absolutely glow like one of those fancy light bulbs she had seen in the bigger cities; so bright, golden, so very entrancing and mysterious that she could just sit and stare for hours and hours. Everything about her was properly enchanting and pretty. Sometimes she would pause mid-twirl and just stand there hitting Diana with the most love-struck look she had ever seen in her entire life and Diana’s breath would shorten out for reasons she couldn’t understand.

_ Reasons that she didn’t want to think about, or reasons that she did she might not like so she tried her best not to think about it. Sometimes she just let the feeling wash over her body and it hit her with a force so strong that her most favorite sermon from the church could never top. She let the feelings begin in her heart and let it ooze from her chest all the way down to the tips of her fingers, the ends of her hair, the tip of her nose, the soles of her feet— she was absolutely confused by this… this way she was feeling, but when it felt this good? How was she to ever let herself stop indulging in this perfect phenomenon that was her best friend? _

_ The emotions she felt, they were only innocent! Strictly platonic! The love between two girls could never be… more than whatever she was feeling. She would never ever dare to cross a line so big as this one. She tip-toed the set lines of boundaries daily like she was a dancer - she was graceful at it, even - but she couldn’t ever stomach even the thought of even putting Ruby in that position. _

_ She was too perfect and she only deserved the best. She deserved a good friend, a close one even, who she could rant to for centuries about what Gilbert smelt like that day, or what he wore. And that friend is what she would be if she couldn’t have anything else. _

_ Not that she would want to, right? It’s unnatural and her family—  _

Diana took a deep breath and blinked.

Ruby stood there, having the nerve to look like that, with her eyes glazed over and the brightest smile on her face and her golden hair surrounding her head like a halo of an angel with her hands clasped in front of her. It looked like she was getting ready to pray her way into Gilbert’s heart and boy, who was Diana to stop her?

She would pray alongside her every single time if that’s what made her happy.

Little did she know that this scary ride she was on? It was only about to get scarier.


	2. pushing limits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes you just gotta sit there and think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay yall,,, a month for like 2k words,, lemme explain: i dicked around and god punished me by taking my wifi away for a looong time. im literally finessing and using a hotspot rn haha!! i’m not really happy w this chapter and trust me, the SECOND i get wifi i’m literally about to revamp the shit out of this chapter, but i hope it’s alright for now. anyways yeah, the next update shouldn't take near as long :p
> 
> and thanks for the ppl who commented and my friends who spoke to me abt this lil thing! it's cute, i appreciate
> 
> p.s: i listened to out of my league by stephen speaks the ENTIRE time i wrote this chapter btw

Her lower back was starting to hurt from the seemingly never-ending glance she was taking behind her. It was still sore from the last time she did this, but she couldn't help it!

<strike> _ It was exhilarating, different, stimulating, thrilling, worth it _ </strike>

It was quickly becoming a habit, this strange one-sided staring contest that she'd decided to take part in. Quick enough that everyone in the class was beginning to take notice of it except her. The quiet laughter echoing throughout the entire class as Diana did her daily staring.

_ Ignorance is bliss. _

_ Ignorance is bliss. _

_ Ignorance is bliss. _

_ There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. Looking is not a crime and I have no ulterior motives! I would never even have such motives anyways, I would never-- no, I could never put someone else in such a situation as… disgusting as that. I'm not disgusting, not me. I'm not one of those heathens as mother and father call them-- _

She flexes her hands into tight fists and fights the urge to wring them out in public. The nails digging into her palms doing absolutely nothing to stop the thoughts racing through her mind. She's so clammy that her hands would probably form a puddle of sweat if she decided to go through with it, not to mention she's not allowed to show such a sign of insecurity out where everyone could see.

Not that Diana was much for following the rules anyway. She followed them, sure, but anyone could see she did the bare minimum with a pained smile slapped onto her face. Too scared to stop tip-toeing the lines to just let go and jump them.

Terrified of being alone if she even dared to go farther than what she's doing.

_ But you're not doing anything, Diana. _

_ Then why is your back hurting so much? _

_ Why is your mother pestering you more about your posture than ever before? _

_ Why are you being so _

<strike> _ improper _ </strike>

<strike> _ dirty _ </strike>

<strike> _ different _ </strike>

** _nosy?_ **

She breathes again. It's all she knows how to do as the thoughts swirl through her stomach. Though, despite all the thoughts and feelings, she can't stop. It's positively sickening, but her mind can't seem to will it away.

_ Just 30 seconds! _ A few times a week she would bargain with herself. Her heart beating quickly in anticipation and throat becoming so dry and tight she couldn't possibly produce enough saliva to ease the discomfort. A universal sign for letting people know to stop, but also a sign to keep going. Pull the brakes or push the limits! And push she did.

30 seconds became 45 seconds.

45 seconds became a minute.

A minute became Diana sweating buckets in her seat willing herself to stop and for the love of God, just _ turn around and do your work _ . The girl behind you is going nowhere, she'll be there tomorrow and the day after that and so on. Every day a set routine and here she was expecting something magically different to happen overnight just because she felt like she was growing two heads. The gall of her, really.  _ Besides, nothing as exciting as someone running away would ever happen in Avonlea anyway. _

A minute became Diana wondering why it was never this much with Ruby. Ruby had made her feel calm, happy, the blonde made her feel like she was wrapped in the softest blanket they had in her house. Ruby was attainable and unattainable at the same time-- Diana actually cared for her and knew she wasn't going to be leaving her side any time soon. She also didn't make her back hurt because she didn't require her to turn around for long periods of time… <strike> to be a creep </strike> admire from afar.

Ruby was many things, but she had barely prepared Diana for this. Whatever this was. The blonde was her best friend, someone she knew like the back of her hand. She could predict whatever was going to come out of her mouth most times (although she had an advantage because it was mostly Gilbert she was on about, even more so since he'd left on a trip with his father) and she knew she had nothing to worry about. Familiar and soft were the perfect words to describe her friend; they weren't the words she'd used to describe her new habit though, far from it.

The new girl was the polar opposite and scarily, apart of her was excited at the new change. She wasn't silk like Ruby was, not soft and slipping effortlessly through the room with a permanent look of awe. The girl was lighting-- dangerous and too beautiful she couldn't bother to look away, too excited to see when she'll strike again. Her heartbeat fast at the thought, she wanted to experience the strike again.

Diana Barry liked to look at beautiful things and she was the new hyper-fixation of her mind's eye.

A smile that’s soft, yet sharp and malicious around the edges. A warning, no doubt. Perfectly curled dirty-blonde strands that fell ever-so-neatly across her shoulders and hung daintily over a body that had never touched a slouch in its’ entire life. The elegant purple bow nestled perfectly in her hair, a bow that probably wouldn’t lose place even if she’d slept in it the night before. Nails shaped and filed smoothly to perfection every morning lightly tangle at the ends of her hair, slowly following the loose curl pattern careful not to mess anything up, as she read her book in class. Straight white teeth peek out to bite her lips in concentration.

Her lips--

_ No. Focus on something else. _

Something not as ... whatever that is.

_ Lips have a certain romantic connotation and that's not Diana! No, ma'am! _

Like her shoes, her dress, the light dusting of hair on her skin  _ (never mind that. What are you even doing, Barry?) _ , her laugh that accompanied the borderline cruel jokes she told as much as she breathed, how her last name sounded like one of her favorite desserts, her eyes…

That’s it! Eyes! Eyes were a safe topic, right? That’s a friend thing to do, it’s only platonic until people start jumping to conclusions and making silly accusations. Diana wasn't normally one to make unnecessary leaps. Her parents didn't allow her to be particularly silly. The eyes were perfect! Everyone has them, after all. She smiled to herself and looked back over at her, to her eyes which are currently cast downward, lazily flickering back and forth at the page in the book on her desk.

_ Josie’s been on the same page for a while now, Diana doubts she’d actually been reading it. _

Her eyes are a beautiful blue-- muted with a rage that courses through her intense gaze if you're unlucky to get on her bad side.

Diana never considered herself unlucky, per-se when she’d focus her wrath upon her. Sometimes she’d catch herself purposely trying to make the girl mad just so she’d pay attention to her. Just so she could look into those eyes as she was berated over something so small as stepping on the back of her shoes or bugging her too much to switch food at lunch.

She'd probably made it up, but her eyes positively  _ twinkled _ when she yelled at her. meant something, right?

Dull the color may be to other people, but to Diana? It was currently her favorite color. In fact, she’d requested a dress to be made. Though it was unsure that she would actually get the dress or not…

* * *

_ "Another blue dress? Why not a green dress? You would look lovely in green." Her mom sighed out at the question. "Or red! Perhaps even a nice purple would suit you just fine as well. Anything other than blue, people will think you're a one-trick pony." _

_ She didn't even bother to look up from her sad attempts at knitting a pair of white mittens. Not a doubt in her mind, they were obviously for Minnie May as the girl could never make anything of hers last. _

_ "Not that you don't look nice in blue, dear!" Her mother tacked on quickly when she heard Diana's deep intake of breath. Not wanting to deal with the, 'Are you calling me homely?' argument today. _

_ "Mother, it's important that I have a dress in this exact shade!" She explained with a tiny flower she'd seen on her walk from school that afternoon. Her heart had stopped when she saw the small plant, it was the perfect shade of blue and she just knew she had to have it. No other choice. _

_ "Christ, Diana!" a dramatic gasp in the background filled the room as her mother continued on. "What the devil is that in your hands?" she'd hastily put down her failing project when she finally looked up saw the dirt that coated her daughter's hands. "What are you doing holding a weed and bringing it into the house? Don't tell me you've been rolling round in the dirt again like an animal--" _

_ "She has, mommy!" her little sister interrupted, popping out suddenly from her seat at the table. Diana sighed to herself as her mother caught her eye, preparing for her sister's antics. "I saw her this morning, she was rolling around like uh, like a uh…" She floundered for a second, her blue eyes looking up expectantly at her older sister for help that she wouldn't give. _

_ "Like a what?" she shot off. "Maybe you should learn your animals, Minnie May before you start making up lies." Diana smiled down, crossing her arms, "it wouldn't take so long if you would bother to pay attention." _

_ "Girls." _

_ "Maybe you shouldn't have been outside eating dirt so I could actually learn something!" _

_ "Girls," the mother's voice, again, fell on deaf ears. _

_ "What? I was eating dirt as well now?" Diana laughed out, leaning down to get in her sister's face and adopting a slight lilt in her voice, "What else was I doing this morning? Drinking from the stream and snorting at the sky!?" _

_ "I wouldn't put it past you," putting her pointer finger on her nose, she pushed up the tip and started roaming around the sofa snorting like a pig while Diana moved her foot out a little intending to trip her. It'd technically be her fault for not checking the ground. _

_ It was only karma and she was just doing it a favor and moving the payback for this whole conversation up a little fast-- _

_ "Girls!" Minnie May paused in her snorting around and whirled to face their mother. Diana couldn't help the small groan that escaped her throat, Minnie May was this close to tripping over her foot! This close! _

_ "Mom!" they both exclaimed, mirror images of each other as they stamped their left foot on the ground. God, she just wanted a new dress. Being wealthy was supposed to mean she got what she wanted at the price of doing whatever rich and entitled nonsense her parents made her do. _

_ It was clear her mom didn't understand, but she needed this exact shade in her closet! It didn't matter that there was a dress just a shade lighter in there, it didn't. That dress was old news-- it's basically dead to her since it was going to be impressing nobody at this point. _

_ Diana continued in exasperation as her mom started back up her disaster of a knitting project, "So, the dress?" _

_ "Your father and I will think about it… and that's final." The air of finality hung thickly as Diana sighed, put the small blue flower (or 'weed', as her mom had so eloquently put it) on the table and began to turn away-- only to stop it her tracks abruptly when she heard the tell-tale signs of her little sister opened her mouth yet again. _

_ "A pig!" _

_ "Great job, Minnie May," her mother muttered from her stupid knitting project. _

_ Oh, lord. _

* * *

Maybe thinking about her eyes was a bad move on her part. They were her absolute favorite feature and Josie's were just so expressive. Most people would think it a weakness to be so expressive, but Josie used it fully to her advantage. In fact, Josie used everything to her advantage, if Diana were being honest.

And she strongly admired her for it.

Obviously most of it was her mom's doings, as the girl wasn't particularly wealthy, but she wasn't poor either. Josie was set firmly in the center of the Middle Class and was one of many families in Avonlea (or anywhere in general) primping and preening their eldests to marry rich and do good for the family name.

But, it took more than a pretty face to marry rich these days. Wealthy people were getting smarter with their money and decided that they wanted their well-off kids to marry more than just a face that would age out in the long run anyway. They wanted their money to last, so their kids had to marry smart  _ and _ pretty now. A challenge on both ends, since both parties had to be smart about their choices.

The wealthy had the task of keeping up their good name and finding someone who was also well-off or finding someone who could benefit them for years to come. And God forbid if they married ugly! It was a huge no because you also had to think of the children as well.

The people marrying into wealth had the job of being the best versions of themselves they could be, or else they would be stuck poor and living payday to payday for the rest of their lives.

These people had to be pretty, they had to be smart in every way shape or form, and they had to have that special charm and drive that got them places. They didn't have the time or space to have flaws.

Josie had all of that and more.

She had the beauty most girls wished for, but would never achieve in their lifetime. The girl could play the part of any role need be. She could be the trophy wife and her husband's family could brag over or she could be the one who went to banks to figure out budgeting and where their money was coming from. Her classmate was a force to be reckoned with, she's insanely smart and she knew how to get her way.

But, Diana may be a little biased on that opinion. She was--

A loud  _ smack _ rang out through the now empty classroom, quickly bringing Diana from her stream of thoughts, as Josie slammed her hand on the desk.

_ "Why are you staring at me like that? _ " Josie snapped, her eyes tightening onto hers and Diana's heart happily followed the movement. "I have something on my face? Or is your brain just broken."

"Oh! Sorry," the brunette bit her lip, heart racing in anticipation, "I was looking off into space."

"Looking into space, while being turned around in your chair?"

"Yeah…"Diana trailed off and began to twist her torso from side-to-side, "you know just getting the old stretch--"

"Well, you need to stretch yourself into some other direction, Barry," Josie growled out, standing up and began the short task of picking up her things.

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"The bell rung for lunch and you've just been sitting there. Maybe your brain is broken after all, huh." With a slightly rough tap against Diana's head, she was gone and the brunette was left in her chair.

All alone.

Still turned around like an idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> diana why'd u stop there? wax poetic gay shit about her chair for the next hour! c'mon :/
> 
> lmk if this sucks xoxo, til next time, gossip girl
> 
> 12/24/19: hey i decided to orphan this because i’ve been having such an abundance of issues with my wifi that i’m kind of over it and i’ve kind of lost my mojo i had for this little story that was present in the first chapter :( sorry to disappoint!


End file.
